Reconciliation is defined as the process of restoring friendly relations. It involves resolving disputes and balancing accounts. You’re thinking about your estranged loved one and that’s what this is about. However, it also is a principle in balance.
Think of your bank statement. Do you cringe when it arrives as I do? Because of my husband’s health, I have the sole responsibility of managing finances and balancing accounts. As detailed as I try to be, invariably I will miss a withdrawal.
How do debits and credits and balancing a bank statement relate to an estranged relationship? Stay tuned to today’s podcast episode and I’ll tell you.
Debits and Credits
I don’t know about you, but I struggled with debits and credits in every finance and accounting class I sat through. My business plan was to fly by the seat of your pants, and it will all work out. Until it didn’t. The concept seemed backwards to me.
A debit was an “add on” in my mind and a credit was something that was subtracted. If you are an accountant, I know you are rolling your eyes about now. It just wasn’t my thing. Consequently, you may have doubts about me managing our accounts and I don’t blame you.
Honestly, I have sorted out the debits and credits in my mind and most of the time balancing the checkbook is a painless procedure. However, there are those times that it just doesn’t balance and I’m on an all-out search for the missing deposit or withdrawal.
Reconciliation is not always an easy task and when you apply the term to an estranged loved one, it becomes intensely personal.
The Ministry of Reconciliation
Scripture teaches in 2 Corinthians 5:18 that Christ reconciled us to God when He died on the cross for our sins and rose on the 3rd day. Additionally, that passage says that He gave us the ministry of reconciliation.
As I studied that passage a bit, I learned that it means that we are to live our lives as reconciled to Christ and that example will cause others to want to be reconciled to Him as well.
Well, you can imagine my thought process. How can I reconcile others to Him when I have unreconciled relationships of my own? Do you ever have those questions? As a Christian Coach helping women with torn apart relationships, I’ve often wondered how God can use me?
2 Corinthians 1:4 answer the question.
“He helps us in all of our troubles, so that we are able to help others who have all kinds of trouble, using the same help we received from God.”
Whether our relationships are reconciled does not disqualify us from the ministry of reconciliation. Think about that for a minute.
Why Reconciliation is Important
I don’t know your estrangement story. Have you read mine? It’s available as a free download at www.beckykolb.com/meet-becky You can scroll down a short distance and click on the link. My early estrangement began following my divorce and all that surrounded that decision.
Estrangement lasted several years with my family. There were many debits in my life account and few credits. That period of time drained me physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Until I turned back to God and he began to pour credits into me.
Credits of forgiveness, mercy, compassion, love, and acceptance. My life account was out of balance and in danger of being closed forever. Until God stepped in as I turned to Him and saw that His arms were outstretched welcoming me back. Reconciliation. One that was permanent
Previously I gave my life to the Lord – many years prior and then got away from Church. When my life turned upside down and estrangement ensued, I was at my lowest point. And that’s when God pursued me and I recommitted my life to Him.
The first reconciliation we need to mend is the one to our Lord.
Is your account with the Lord balanced? It is if you have entrusted your life to Him and received the gift of eternal life through the death and resurrection of Jesus.
Have you walked away from God for some reason? Is it time to reconsider that decision? He’s waiting with open arms for you to turn around.
Forgiveness is a Credit in Reconciliation
Reconciliation in your life account will always be at a deficit unless you have the credits that Jesus offers. Focus on your life with Him and set aside the estranged relationship. You aren’t able to offer credits to the estrangement until you have your life in balance.
Balance is making sure your heart is aligned with God’s. That you have accepted Him as Lord of your life, confessed any known sin, and spent time in scripture and prayer. That will fill your life bank account with so many credits you’ll never be able to spend it all.
When your heart is aligned, you are in the perfect balanced position to begin the process of reconciliation with your estranged loved one.
Reconciling with a Loved One
God reconciled and restored the relationship with my family after my divorce. Years followed with distance between us until one day He softened hearts one by one and began to open the door for relationships to begin again. You can read more about that in my story.
Forgiveness is the credit God offers you that will enable you to forgive your loved one. Since the reconciliation of my family, I’ve had other estrangement issues with daughters-in-law and grandkids. Like me, you may not know the reason for the estrangement.
In my case, they walked away, closed the door, and refused to say why. If that’s your story, don’t beat yourself up playing the guessing game. You can wear yourself out trying to figure out why, but the truth is until they soften their heart and have the courage to confront their issue with you, it’s out of your control.
What you can do is make reconciliation with them in your own heart.
Reconciliation Can be One-Sided
How can you reconcile when they aren’t speaking to you? You do it in your heart. Forgive them which means you no longer hold what they’ve done against them. You let it go. Of course, you can’t forget it but it’s no longer a tool you’ll use.
Imagine they are chained to you. Their leg is chained to yours. Everywhere you go they are with you. It isn’t a pleasant experience. Have you ever tried dragging a weight around that is attached to you? That’s what unforgiveness is like.
Cut the chain. Let it go. Stop trying to control the situation. Work on your own heart. Forgiveness is a process as I’ve shared in an earlier podcast. You can also download a free guide on how to work toward forgiveness. Find it at www.beckykolb.com/guide
Forgiveness is a Credit that Keeps Yielding Dividends
Once you work through the process and make the intentional decision to forgive, your account just got credited with a generous sum. It’s like an enormous deposit was just made and it is so large you can’t even see the debits.
Your heart will be free. You’ll be walking unhinged. In fact, you may be skipping or even running as you feel the weight of anger and resentment roll off your back.
Sure, you may still be estranged, but your heart is free. That opens the door for reconciliation. Why? Because you’ll act differently.
Grumbling and gossip will no longer be part of your speech toward them. No more replaying the conversations in your mind. Oh, they will pop up, but you can send them packing as you’ve already forgiven and no longer need to remember. You will notice improvement in other relationships too.
Reconciliation is Your Ministry
Scripture is clear that we’ve been reconciled to God through Christ and He’s given us the ministry of reconciliation too. While it may not be possible to physically reconcile with your estranged family member, you can do so in your own heart.
Ask God these questions:
- Is there anything holding me back from you God? Any unconfessed sin? An attitude or habit? Examine my heart and show me anything that hinders my relationship with you.
- Is there any known offense I’ve done against this estranged loved one? Anything I know that I should seek forgiveness? If so, give me the courage and words to seek that forgiveness whether or not they give it.
- Release the chain that binds me to the emotional pain from this estrangement. I no longer want to carry around the anger and resentment.
- Help me to forgive (and insert your estranged loved one here). You know the story and how our heart and family have been torn apart. I want to be a minister of reconciliation, and I know it starts with forgiveness. I have made the decision now to forgive them and ask you to help me each day, hour, and minute until it no longer hurts.
- Finally, God, I ask you to help me see this estranged loved one with your eyes. You see their pain and struggle and why they behave as they do. Help me to have the same compassion, mercy, and love for them that you do.
Now, Balance your Debits and Credits
The full transcript of this episode is available on my website at www.beckykolb.com/65. I encourage you to take some time to pray through these items and download the free guide I mentioned at www.beckykolb.com/guide. I know you will find that it’s worth the effort and that God will balance your account so that you feel whole.
Struggling to reconcile? You found it impossible? I experienced that too, and I can help. Reach out to see if coaching might be the next step for you. Click the link below the podcast transcript and let’s have a conversation.
Until next time, balance your debits and credits and find reconciliation with God and your estranged loved one.